You promised the world and I fell for it.

-Selena Gomez

He looked at me, his eyes dark and tired of having the same old conversation over and over again. We both knew. This, whatever this was, whatever was left of it, it was over. But we couldn’t get each other to say it. The silence roared in my ears, and I wished there was a way to drown it out, but there wasn’t. So I let it drill into my head, let the pain sink in, let it mold its way through my body.
“You want to get some food?“ he said after a while and for a second, my world turned. It crashed and crumbled, burned and froze. The silent scream in my head burst into a choir of all the hurt I had carried with me these past few months. But then I regained focus and suddenly I was back here, on the couch, next to him.
„Yes,“ I answered automatically. I always said yes, and he knew it. Maybe that’s where this mess started. Maybe it’s just part of it.
When we stepped outside, I teared up a little and I wondered if he noticed. If he did, he didn’t say anything. He probably didn’t make much of it, so I shouldn’t either. ‘It’s just because it’s so cold,‘ I told myself and blinked to make the tears go away. It took a little longer than usual.

The lights were way too bright. The McDonald’s sign was humming and crackling, and its yellow color seemed to be mocking me. The parking lot was empty, not unusual for this time of day – night, I mean. My eyes flickered over to the lamp post that I had bumped into seven months ago. He had been there that day like a knight in shining armor. Instead of laughing at me, he had wanted to know if I was hurt. He had taken me to the emergency room „just to be safe,“ even though we had been complete strangers back then.

When did he stop? When did he stop caring if I was hurt?

“McDonald’s,“ the words left my mouth without me realizing what I was doing.
„Yes, this is McDonald’s,“ he said looking at me with raised eyebrows.
„Why McDonald’s?“ my voice sounded demanding, but I didn’t know why I was saying these things.
„We always go to McDonald’s.“
„We haven’t been here in over a month,“ my mouth said and suddenly my brain caught up with it, „why now?“
„I don’t know. I guess I just felt like it.“

Suddenly, something in me cracked. The emotions I had buried under a thick layer of pain and denial started to find their way back into my veins, and they spread through me like fire. The words started to boil under my skin, and instead of looking away like I always did, I looked him straight in the eyes.

Then, I erupted.

“I know I love you, and I know you love me, too.“ My own voice stung my ears, but I didn’t mind. It was time. It was about damn time.

I felt a tear on my cheek. With it, memories started rushing into my head, memories of him leaving, of him yelling, of him laughing, of him breaking, of him healing. And of me smiling, of me faking, of me hurting, of me fighting. Of me, giving in. „I know I love you, and I know you love me, too,“ I repeated, „But I can’t be the one you keep running back to when everything else gets too hard. I can’t take that anymore. It hurts, it hurts so much. In my throat and in my chest, in my stomach and in my head. It’s everywhere.“ I could feel it right now, blending in with the fever. I also felt the need to stop talking, to go back to our couch, back to pretending. Instead, I told him what had been going through my mind for way too long: „And still, I want it. I want it to hurt because that means that you are here. With me. But that’s not right. That’s not how this is supposed to be.“ The heat in me stopped burning, but I could still feel it. „I’m supposed to be strong and independent and breathtaking. I-,“ I hesitated, but something in me pushed me further, „I want to walk down the street with my head held high feeling like a supermodel walking down the runway. But I’m none of those things, and I never feel like that. And I used to think that it’s because I’m not good enough or special enough or… simply that I was not enough… for anything. I don’t think that anymore.“ I knew. I finally knew. For the first time in forever, the silence didn’t sting. It just… was. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t look at him.

„I think it’s you.“

Looking back, I think saying it out loud was the moment that broke me. All the cracks he had put in my skin over these past few months- there were too many now. Everything fell apart.

„Without knowing or realizing it, you dimmed my light, you put me in the shadows. I don’t blame you. I would never… I could never blame you. You didn’t know. I didn’t know. We’re just not good for each other. Where other people fall in love, we get hurt more than I ever thought was possible. I love you. I do. This is the hardest and most heartbreaking thing that I ever had to do. But-,“ I opened my eyes again, finding his.
„This is over. We’re done.“

I didn’t ask if the tears in his eyes were there because of the cold air. I already knew.